5 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. We were talking about good and bad Christmas songs. He complained about the fact that so many Christian musicians did such poor work on Christmas songs. I said some of them were good. And the debate went on…
But that conversation got me thinking about the worst of the worst. What are the worst Christmas songs of all time? And how would I judge them?
First, I decided to only include songs that are well known. I’m not going to pick obscure Christmas songs that no one knows.
And then I decided to judge them based on two criteria.
The criteria:
1. Lyrical horror – Just how bad are the words.
2. Concept horror – Just how bad is the idea.

It would be next to impossible to compile a list based on musical horror, so that does not come into play much here (although some music has to come into play).

Without further delay, the top 5 worst Christmas songs…

5. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

I know, you are thinking I’m crazy. Why hate on this classic? Well, the first verse is just fine. But things take a dark turn in verse 2 as the carolers begin to demand some figgy pudding and a cup of cheer.
And here is the problem – you probably will not have any figgy pudding…
Things get worse in verse 3 when the carolers say that they will not leave until they get some. Turns out this song is the stalker song of Christmas.
If these carolers show up to your door, turn off the lights and pretend you are not home.
Lyrical Horror: “We won’t go until we get some.”
Concept Horror: Stalkers at your door demanding strange English dessert.
Added Horror: Figgy pudding is mashed figs combined with some kind of breading. Seriously, you should find a picture of it. Does not look good at all.

4. I Believe in Father Christmas Emerson, Lake, and Palmer

A Christmas song about the loss of all belief. This guy loses his belief in Santa, God, and particularly Jesus Christ. Then wishes us a peaceful Christmas and a silent night. Merry Christmas!
In his defense, Greg Lake said he wrote the song about the commercialization of Christmas, but the lyrics are clearly about losing belief.
Lyrical Horror: “Hallelujah, Noel, be it heaven or hell the Christmas we get we deserve.” Yep, Merry Christmas!
Concept Horror: Merry Christmas now quit believing you unenlightened, blind suckers.

3. Santa Baby Everyone who has ever performed it (especially Madonna, Taylor Swift)

Yes, this song is meant to be a tongue in cheek look at commercialism and Christmas. Really the song is just a list of outrageous gifts. But it is annoying because it is sung in a pouty, obnoxious voice. And it is disturbing because every woman who sings it sounds like they are trying to seduce Santa.
Lyrical Horror: “Think of all the fun I’ve missed/Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed/Next year I could be oh so good/If you’d check off my Christmas list.”
Concept Horror: Greed and seduction for Christmas
Added Horror: Buble took this song to new lows by asking “Santa Buddy” to bring him a big list of gifts. So Santa becomes a friend who will provide him gifts… Needless to say it does not work.

2. The Little Drummer Boy Everyone who has ever performed it (especially bad: Justin Bieber)

This song is a mess all the way through. The concept of a drum being beaten in the presence of a newborn is strange to being with. And yet, when he asks Mary if he can play his drum, she apparently nodded in approval.
The fact the song has no variation and too many verses does not help it.
Lyrical Horror: “The ox and lamb kept time” What? A full barnyard jamboree?
Concept Horror: A kid playing a drum for a new born baby.
Added Horror: Bieber does a weird rap in the middle that just makes no sense and sends the song to new lows. Seriously, go to YouTube right now and listen to his version of this song.

1. The Christmas Shoes Newsong

The emotional manipulation packed into this song is impressive: A sick mom on the verge of death, a poor boy wanting to give her a gift, and a man willing to pay for some shoes. What’s not to love?
To begin with it would be nice if someone told this child that his mom is not going to be able to wear those shoes into the afterlife. This boy wants to give the shoes to his mom so that if she dies and meets Jesus, she will look beautiful. Sounds great…until you think about it.
Brian Moylan says, “The worst part about this is while we roll our eyes at its cheesiness, everyone who owns a Thomas Kincaid painting thinks it’s beautiful and cries every time they hear it.”
Lyrical Horror: “And I know these shoes would make her smile/And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.”
Concept Horror: Kid with no concept of God or afterlife tries to do something good for his mom before she dies and teaches others about the true meaning of Christmas in the process.
Added Horror: They made a movie based on the song.

Share

Leave a Reply