Renewing a Romantic, Sensual, Sexual Marriage (Fighting For Your Marriage Chapter 12)

Couples in their 30s have sex an average of two times a week. Couples in their forties have sex an average of once a week. So says The Denver Researchers in chapter 12 of Fighting for Your Marriage. So, the most unique expression of closeness and bonding is carried out once or twice a week as the marriage progresses.
They say, “Couples do not make the sensuality-sexuality part of their relationship a priority.” Romance slips away and sexuality slips away with it. In the beginning, couples are affectionate. They touch all the time – hold hands, hug, and desire physical closeness. As the years go by, a sensual distance begins to develop. When a couple does seek intimacy, they settle for sex without intimacy. The Denver Researchers say, “This leads to big problems, because it’s the sensual connection that keeps partners from feeling as though they are growing apart.”
In order to keep sex and sensuality alive in the relationship requires discipline. You must think about it, talk about it, and act on it.
1. Think about sex and sensuality.
The Researchers say, “The key to romance is to be thoughtful; to think of your partner’s needs, desires, wishes, and dreams; and to want to fulfill them.” And we are not just talking about sex here. Sometimes the most thoughtful thing you can do is help out with the kids, help with chores, or lighten the load in some way. Romance that leads to sensuality and sexuality begins with contributing to other in a meaningful way.
If you are uncertain about what your spouse wants and needs, ask them. Have an open, honest conversation about what will help build the relationship and draw you closer together. Sometimes the barriers to intimacy need to come down in order for sensuality to return.
2. Talk about sex and sensuality.
Let’s face it, most couples have difficulty communicating their physical desires. And, because they don’t communicate much, misunderstanding what is wanted and desired is a regular occurrence. In addition to a lack of communication, couple face a second difficulty: people change. Needs change. So, what worked a year ago might not work today. A third difficulty is that some husbands and wives believe their spouse should magically know what they want. There are those who believe their spouse should “know” what they want without ever communicating.
All of these problems are barriers to communication.
The solution is to discipline yourselves to communicate with each other. What do you like? What you need? Agree to discuss your physical relationship (not just sexual, but sensual and even romantic). Talk about what makes you feel romantic toward each other. Talk about what turns you on.
Years ago, my wife and I had a very practical conversation about sexual and sensuality. And it made a world of difference in our relationship. When such a conversation is done right, and both people are ready to talk openly and listen graciously, the result can change your entire relationship.
Make sure that your conversations are not complaints and that you will both seek to learn and understand the other. And whenever possible, seek to please one another.
3. Practice sex and sensuality.
Introduce the discipline of romance, sensuality, and sexuality back into your relationship. Work on being the lover your spouse needs. Call or text an “I love you” during the day. Hold hands. Surprise them with a small gift. Take risks. Be creative. Figure out the best way to be romantic, sensual, and sexual and regularly practice those things with your spouse.
A word of caution. Do not focus on what you want romantically, sensually, or sexually. That may not be what your spouse needs. In fact, it probably will end up in frustration and failure. Figure out what move the passion meter for your spouse. And, if you don’t know what will move the meter, it is time to have a talk.

If your relationship is strained right now, start slow. Start by gathering information that will light the spark. Ease into romance, sensuality, and sexuality. If your relationship is strong, but you need to reignite the spark, have some open and honest conversations about what it means for you to be a romantic, sensual, sexual couple. If your relationship is strong and the spark is alive, discipline yourselves to fan the flames and raise the level of romance.


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